£675.96

On the great list of terms that one might use to describe me, “athletic” is going to be way, way down there – just above “NASCAR-loving” and “light sleeper”. I suck at sports, I’m happier horizontal than I am vertical (wahey hey hey!!) and I just have no interest whatsoever in physical activity “just for the fun of it”. I’m sorry, but yoga just looks like stupid snobby stretching to me. I don’t get it.

Of course, this isn’t spectacular for one’s physique. When I lived in NYC, no weight stuck to me because I walked miles daily – it’s just the way of life. Now, though, I’m lucky to walk a mile per day. Thus, eight magical pounds have attached themselves to my midriff, giving me the silhouette of a sweet, chubby baby – not an excellent look when you’re pushing 30. Typically, it’s not the end of the world to have a paunch, but My Attractive Husband had just popped the question and literally thousands of photos were going to be taken of me by crazy photographers and crazy friends and relatives. The eight pounds simply had to go.

Thus, I did the unthinkable: I joined the gym. For most people, this is not actually unthinkable, but people actually laughed when I told them. That’s how unathletic I am. I figured, once I spend a shitload of money on the gym, I will have to go. So I signed up for the gym next door to my office, where we received a corporate discount – £56.33 per month.

I’m not sure I expressed clearly enough just how intensely I hate the gym and all elements of the gym experience. I hate locker rooms: if you want to see me naked, I want you to buy me a few drinks. And that smell. Seriously, don’t they make sprays for that? I hate lockers themselves: no matter how you put your things away, it’s still hard to retrieve them without them either smelling like your shoes or getting wet. I hate gym clothes: they’re uncomfortable, ugly, smelly and just completely devoid of style. I don’t even own a pair of sneakers – unless you count my All-Stars. And I don’t. And exercise itself: I believe Tyler Durden put it best when he stated, “Self-improvement is masturbation.” Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth over and over and over again on a stupid elliptical machine, going nowhere and achieving nothing… and the elliptical machine is my favourite thing to do at the gym. Don’t get me started on step machines.

So I’d go to the gym, self-consciously dress myself in ugly, ill-fitting exercise clothes and horrible sneakers, and cram my headphones into my ears. I’d hop on the elliptical machine and spend my hour there, watching The Weakest Link and marvelling at how stupid the people were and trying not to look at the time clock. When my sentence ended I’d trudge back to the locker room and make myself look like a person again as quickly as possible. The best part, undoubtedly, was showering; we only have a bathtub and showers have actually grown to feel luxurious. Then I’d go home, relieved that I had finished for the day. For this, I spent a total of £675.96. For eight little pounds.

I never enjoyed it. I never “felt good afterwards”. I felt cranky afterwards. I resent having to pay to do something I hate. “Why didn’t you jog outside, then?” I can hear you asking. “You can jog for free.” Well, not with my knees, you can’t. Not if you want to keep out of the immobilising brace and physical therapy. I spend a shitload of money to be miserable so that I could appear slightly skinnier. Isn’t that terrifying? It’s horrible to realise the depth of one’s own shallowness. Because, for me, health had nothing to do with it. I just wanted to look skinny. Period.

Anyway, it worked; I lost my eight pounds. My wedding photos are lovely, if I do say so myself. I promptly stopped going to the gym and my eight magical pounds promptly returned. I am forced to conclude that I actually paid £84.50 per pound to basically stick it in a fat storage facility until I was ready to reclaim it as my own – like a coat check for paunches.

If only you didn’t have to do the exercising part, it would be totally worth it.

Where My House Went: £3637.30